Paraprosdokian Sentences--Funny!

I received these in an e-mail forward from my aunt.  I had never heard of paraprosdokian before, but these remind me of Yogi Berra quotations.  I don't know who to credit for the following, but whoever it is, thank you!

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first.  They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect.  Enjoy these!

Never argue with an idiot.  He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Here are some more attributed to famous people:

"If I could say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker."—Homer Simpson

"If I am reading this graph correctly—I'd be very surprised."—Stephen Colbert

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thingafter they have tried everything else."—Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." —Groucho Marx

"He was at his best when the going was good." —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor

"There but for the grace of God—goes God." —Winston Churchill

"I haven't slept for two weeks, because that would be too long." —Mitch Hedberg